This is the collum I’m riting while giving up coffee. I given up coffee b4 but never for an entyre morning.
In this collum I thort I wood do something on. On. Umm. You know. Take something sorta newsy and relate to some other thing in a way that would be umm like funny, That’s what I thort I do. I would do.
Except I can’t think. Where my brain usually is an insulation batt. The batt is emitting a faint hum. A hum of low grade pane and static and blankness and other things that I could possibly name if I had a brain with which I could name them.
It is becoming obvious that I never had a brain. All I had was coffee. The coffee would go into where my brain once was and connect things up. Once connected I would have thort. Thort that might become words. Or even action.
Coz without coffee I’m not doing anything. It is hard for me to represent here in typing of letters how long it is taking of me to choose of each letter and to words put in order that of meaning so they might have.
I now have the brain of a dog. You know when you point at the stick for the dog and the dog looks at your finger. I am that dog. If I could have memory I would remember when I was smart dog who would look from finger to stick. Now I am trying to remember the word for finger. ( I asked my friend word for pointy things with dirty nails on end and he typed it in for me. )
So far this morning and this is day 1 of new coffee free life i have woken up. The first twenty minutes were easy. Really, I didn’t need coffee at all. By 7.25am walking was difficult and I was happiest leaning against a wall, holding myself up with my own head.
I then got dressed. I now appear to be wearing a wetsuit. That is if I could look down without dentist without nerve gas type pain I could see if I was wearing a wet suit. Whatever I’m wearing was very hard to get into but I might have just struggled into my twelve year old daughter’s jeans by accident. If I could form words I could ask someone.
Since I arrived at work I have been alone. Somehow they seem to know that I’m not at my best. Someone did say “Yo JV how you going?” and I screamed like a Tarantino villain at them. They may have told the others. Or it might just be the wetsuit.
I would like to finish collum now. However without latte, short black, macciato, cappuccino or a goddamn International Roast I have no idea what point I am was is trying to say.
Decaf skinny latte maybe? Shoot me now.