Have been writing since taught to form my letters on a chalkboard in the mid 1960s.

All are available in liquidation stores near you. Or possibly on Amazon. Recently attempted books including the following …

You are about to discover how a lot of ordinary stuff was invented in a country no one has ever heard of.

Luck, lucky you. You are about to start reading a book that will fill you with wonder, amazement and give you some really big snorty laughs. All of this is True. Except for the bits that aren't.

Is Bicarbonate of Soda and Vinegar just not your thing? When there's a spot on the rug, are you more likely to turn the rug around to hide the spot than try to remove it? Do you wash your children's face with a spit-wetted thumb? Then this is your book. You don't like cleaning. This book is ideal for the domestically challenged and for recovering Spotless addicts.

The Form Guide is not a rule book — it's a guide book. This is a very funny book. It's about you. Well, maybe not you as such, but people a lot like you except they are a lot weirder. 'There is nothing in here about curtseying to the Queen, seating people at weddings, or how to organise a debutante ball. There is, however, advice on public flossing, plumbers using a toilet they're fixing, and the appropriate response to a friend's boob job.'

Trouble begins when flashy boy-from-the-future, Theodore Pine Four, a seasoned recreational time-traveler, wins a contest that allows him to briefly visit a special, never-before-seen place and time with the brand-new, handheld TimeMaster JumpMan Pro.

Unfortunately, contest director Quincy Blake gives Theo the wrong JumpMan prototype. He doesn’t end up somewhere amazing like the Great Pyramids, but, to his dismay, in an incredibly boring bedroom in Mil3 (the 21st century), populated by a 14-year-girl named Genevieve and her childhood friend, Jules.